It's not that I like being disappointed. It's just that I find value in it.
A few weeks ago someone asked me whether or not I think it's valuable to set expectations before doing something or if it's better to always go in with no expectations so you're never disappointed. And I reflexively wanted to say, "I always go in with no expectations and just see where things go," because that seemed like the more likable, nonchalant thing to say. The version of myself that gets girls would've said that.
But I hesitated because I knew I didn't mean it. I almost always go into things with at least some expectations, for better or worse. I just couldn't quite pin down why in that moment.
At first I thought back to this lecture I watched on YouTube maybe six years ago that John Mayer gave to an auditorium of Berklee College of Music students. In it, he talks about how the real key to happiness in a career is defining your expectations. That if you're a musician and your only goal is to "make it," you're never going to be satisfied or truly happy in your career because you don't actually know what "making it" looks like. Does it mean selling 500 copies of an album? Does it mean selling 500,000 copies? 5 million? Without defining the expectation, you're always going to be chasing the next milestone or wondering if there's still something greater around the corner because you never knew exactly what your goal was. And I liked that. It felt like a good reason to set expectations at least somewhere rather than nowhere, even if that "somewhere" was rock bottom.
But the more I thought about it, the more another fact sort of bubbled up: I think it's valuable to be disappointed sometimes.
Sure, this might not be a formula for living the happiest of lives. But as much as I value happiness, I also value taste. If you can't tell from this blog, I find it important to form opinions on things and know what I like and, just as importantly, what I don't like. It's not just a way of forming identity but also a mechanism through which I feel like I can bring a perspective to things in my life rather than just be an observer. And a big part of knowing what I don't like is knowing when things don't live up to expectations. Knowing when something was genuinely disappointing. Which sounds quite emo if not for the fact that in my experience, the consequence of not liking some things is genuinely loving others. Because if you're disappointed in something, you've at least defined what you're looking for and can appreciate it far more when it arrives.
So to answer the question: yes, I set expectations for things. And I know that sets me up for disappointment sometimes, and I'm okay with that. Because if I know when I'm disappointed, at least I know what I want.
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